I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
