I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
