i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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