spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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