Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
