What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
