I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
