He asked to "fluff my boner.."
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
