My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh god it's open bar.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
