he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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