I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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