My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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