If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
