it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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