i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
