The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
