Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
