Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You're like the curious george of whores
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize