apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it's like heaven, but drunker
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
