so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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