nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
