Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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