I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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