I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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