This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
