Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
