I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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