I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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