I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
