A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can I color on your dick again?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
