Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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