I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
now i know why i became what i already was.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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