he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
