My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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