jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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