I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
