and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
