I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
