guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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