Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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