im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
