I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Someone signed my nipple.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
