I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Randomize
