I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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