There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
