the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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