We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
