My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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