I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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