well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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