After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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