omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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