dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
