Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
