Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
