I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
